Bea Lewis

By Barbara Marshall

Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

We've adjusted to toddler tantrums, middle-school sulkiness, adolescent defiance, even empty nests.

But now our kids want us to treat them as adults? When we're their mothers?

Part of being a mother is to know when to stop acting like one, according to Bea Lewis, a Boynton Beach writer whose specialty is successfully tiptoeing through the minefield of parent and adult child relationships, especially the combustible one between mothers and daughters.

For five years, Lewis wrote the "This Day and Age" column for The Palm Beach Post.  READ MORE...

Q: I thought I was a good parent, but when my 23-year-old son repeatedly tells me how I wasn’t – I don’t know how to respond. He says I never played ball with him, never paid him a compliment and never told him I loved him. My defense is that I was working hard – I am a surgeon and work many, many hours, often into the night. I bought him everything he could want – cars, summer vacations, etc., - and felt that was enough to show my love for him. I’d like him to get over his anger and not constantly dwell on the past, but I don’t even know where to begin such a conversation.

A: Good for you to realize that it takes two to tango and you’re willing to take the lead! It’s not an easy dance to learn, but certainly worth the effort.

Great advice for mending a difficult relationship comes for psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman in his book, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown child Don’t Get Along (Harper Collins)

Working hard for your family certainly qualifies as a good reason if you were less available to your son than he- or you - would have wanted, said Coleman. There is just so much time in a day. However, separate your natural desire to defend yourself and seize the opportunity to move the relationship forward. Consider some of Coleman’s suggestions.

Don’t Play Defense. You don’t have to explain why you didn’t do what your son wished you’d done. Saying that you did the best you could is something you tell yourself, not him.
Be empathetic. A caring dialogue could go something like this: “I’m glad you’re telling me this. It sounds like you feel really bad that I didn’t say I loved you or played ball with you. I wish I had spent more time doing that.’’

Hold Your Ground. Tell him you love him, but if he says you should have told him when he was young, simply say”You’re right. I wish I could do it all over again.’’

Walk in his shoes. Focus less on your need to boost your ego, and more on your son’s desire for closeness.

Express Your Pride. Tell him what you admire about him, especially his ability to be honest and to express his feelings to you.

Many parents are loath to talk about difficult relationships with their adult children, but to share your problems and gain insight from other parents in the same boat, check out Dr. Coleman’s website, www.whenparentshurt.com
 

Q: My daughter-in-law asked me if I would like to split the cost for an expensive laptop for my son’s birthday. I loved the idea, laid out the money and assumed she would pay me her share as soon as possible. That was almost a year ago and my daughter-in-law still hasn’t offered to reimburse me for her share of the gift.

Every time we get together, my daughter-in-law acknowledges she owes me money, but never does anything about it. So each time I see her and she doesn’t hand over the money, I get a little angrier. Now I am seething. I want to tell her how insulted I am that she hasn’t given me the money I laid out for the gift, but I’m afraid she will be angry at me. Any suggestions?

A: You made a deal with your daughter-in-law and expected her to keep her word. But it also sounds as if you think she is withholding the money to hurt your feelings. Forget it – the longer you wait for her to give you what she owes you, the more you will seethe. Take the bull by the horn, so to speak, and tell her she still owes you $$$$ - and then calmly ask her when you can expect to receive it. Simple. No emotion. No hurt feelings. Straight forward. Done. If she is ticked off at your request, it has less to do with what you were asking for and more to do with her embarrassment – and after months and months of not living up to her end of the deal, well, it’s appropriate for her to feel that way.

I just heard an interesting comment that can apply to us parents when we feel friction with our grown kids. REMEMBER: A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH A SMOOTH ONE.

I suggested to my friend Beverly that she focus on this comment when she shared an unpleasant conversation she had with her soon to- be- divorced daughter, Lisa. Beverly told me that when she told Lisa that she had sold her thirteen- year- old car, the young woman “blew a fuse.’’
“You promised me that car, mom, when you were ready to get rid of it, ‘’ said Lisa. “You know how much I need a car right now, but I can’t afford to buy one. How could you do this to me?”

My friend Beverly was stunned because she has no recollection of ever promising anything like that to her daughter. Furthermore, she said, “Not only did I need the cash from the sale of the car and couldn’t afford to just hand over the car to her, but I also would worry if something went wrong with the car.’’ Lisa ended the conversation with a cold, nasty tone, “Fine - I need to get off the phone.”

Beverly felt terrible and tried calling Lisa the next day – and the day after that – but Lisa didn’t respond to her calls. Obviously Lisa was terribly disappointed that she wouldn’t get Beverly’s old car. Obviously this was a case of miscommunication. Lisa expected Beverly to give her the car, but Beverly had made no such commitment. Issues like this happen all the time – they are innocent mistakes and apologies are not needed. So what to do now? Move on. Let it go. And while it may take time for Lisa to get over the fact that her expectations were not met, Beverly needs to remember that all relationships have their ups and downs, and she will feel better when she remembers that comment I heard not long ago: A good relationship is not synonymous with a smooth one.