Bea Lewis | Adult Sibiling Rivalry

Adult Sibiling Rivalry

Keep Photos Equal

Tuesday, 16 November 2010 06:36 |

Written by Bea Lewis |

Photographs can be a frequent focus of competition, says communications expert, Deborah Tannen, author or "You Were Always Mom's Favorite,'' a book on sibling rivalry. Althoug her book deals with sisterly rivalry, her discussion of the topic applies to all adult siblings.

Family pictures seem to represent - in a tangible way - attention and even love, Tannen tells us. Oh how true this is! On my eldest daughter's recent visit to our house, she informed Ed and me that there were seven pictures of her children, and 11 of her sister's kids. (I coulnd't believe she actually counted the number of photos we keep proudly displayed throughout our home.)

The photo contest, Tannen explains, ''is an expression of competition, but also of connection; it's tempting to compare pictures because they are arrayed together in the same place, just as siblings are compared because they're grouped in the same family.''

Knowing this, Ed and I do our best to keep the photos of the kids and grandkids equal. But try as we can to be equal opportunity grandparents, it doesn't always work - as the daughter who complained that there were less of her family's photos than her sisters is because she is less diligent than others about sending us pictures - and so what we don't have - we can't display!!!

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Squeaky Wheel Sibling

Saturday, 20 March 2010 18:52 |

Written by Bea Lewis |

My friend, Lenore, has two children - a son and a daughter. The son, Steve, is a college graduate, but can't keep a job for long and Lenore is always bailing him out to keep a roof over his head and food on the table for his wife and two little children.

Lenore's daughter, on the other hand, is an accomplished attorney, working with a large law firm. Beth is married to a surgeon and the couple have two children. If anything Beth is always doing and buying nice things for Lenore, not the other way around. Although Lenore knows that siblings, no matter what the age, can be jealous of one another, not in a million years did she suspect her daughter being jealous of her son.

But Lenore found out one night when the family was together at a cousin's birthday party. Out of the blue, or so it seemed, Beth accused Lenore of always bailing out Steve, giving him far more attention than she ever had.

Through her tears, Beth said her brother was " the squeaky wheel of this family,always getting greased for his inability to keep things rolling along' I'm the hard-working wheel and never get noticed,''

Suddenly Lenore realized she had overlooked the needs of her outwardly sefl-sufficent daughter and told her she never realized how she felt. "I was always proud of your independence, but I guess I took that for granted and didn't need to acknowledge it,'' .

Lenore was sensitive to Beth's jealousy, and Beth was pleased to hear her mother express pride in her indepedence and accomplishements, something she rarely heard from a mom too busy "greasing'' the squeaky wheel sibling.

(I've changed the names, but this story is the same.)

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