Bea Lewis

Brenda and her husband were ecstatic when their daughter married a man whom they describe as "a lovely guy with a great future.'' But that was six months before a midnight phone call set the couple reeling. 

Their 24-year-old daughter, crying so hard they couldn't hear what she was saying, shouted " He's gay, he's gay. he wants our of the marriage. ''

Shocked by the news, the couple couldn't get their thoughts wrapped around what their daughter was talking about, especially since the young bride seemed happy in her new role as "Mrs.'

"How could their daughter not know before marriage that her new husband was gay?"  Brenda wondered.

It happens more than you know, explains Carole Benowitz, the Florida coordinator of PFLAG,  a nonprofit, national organizaton to support parents, families and friends of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and those with transgender issues.

Brenda's son-in-law, like a lot of gay married men, said Benowtiz "was living a lie. Perhaps he got married to fit into society, to behave in a way that others expected of him.''

At some point, however - which can be months, maybe years - a  married gay man has to be true to himself and acknowledge his sexual orientation,said Benowitz. This is commonly called, '' coming out.''

The key for Brenda and her family is to understand that it's no one's fault.  " The young man was always gay. His young wife didn't cause it, nor could she have changed him. He's the same man except he's no longer a man burdened with a  secret, '' said Benowtiz, who got involved in PFLAG when she found out, two months before her son was to marry that he was gay. She was just as shocked as Brenda and PFLAG helped her feel compassion for her son's struggle and to accept what she couldn't change.

By attending a PFLAG meeting., Benowitz said, Brenda could see that she is not alone. She can learn how others have dealt with the issue and  how to be honest when telling friend and family.  "It's a safe place to ask questions.''

To learn more about the 30-year-old organization with more than 500 chapters nationwide, go to www.pflag.org