Bea Lewis

My friend Katherine was out to dinner with her son, daughter and two grandsons – Pete, age 8, and Brandon, age 11.
As Katherine and I rode our stationery bikes in the fitness center, she told me how disappointed she was with the young boys’ terrible table manners. “They were eating with their hands, talking with their mouths full of food. And they wanted refills for their Cokes, they rudely flagged down the waiter.’’
Both my son and daughter-in-law, Katherine continued, were raised in fine homes where manners were taught at an early age, but they ignored their sons’ behavior.

“When I couldn’t contain myself any longer, I told the boys that they should not talk with their mouths full. Not so terrible, right?’’
Her daughter-in-law, Katherine added, shot her a nasty look that implied that Katherine should mind her own business. “Isn’t it the responsibility of the adults to teach children good manners? If their parents don’t, shouldn’t I?’’ she asked. “ I don’t want them to grow up to behave like wolves!”
The answer warrants both a yes and a no answer. Yes, if you are the parents. And yes if you are the grandparents. But no, not if the children are with their parents, I told her.

And just because two young boys have terrible table manners right now, where do you get the idea they are being raised like wolves, I asked Katherine. As far as your daughter-in-law’s unpleasant look when you corrected the grandchildren’s behavior, can’t you realize that you made her feel like an inadequate parent – and so she responded to what she heard as you being critical?

Keep in mind that you had your turn being a parent (and obviously teaching your children perfect table manners) now it’s your son and daughter-in-law’s turn. Instead of looking for something that you think is so wrong, your evening would have been far better if you focused on what was really important – that is, sharing a meal with four very important people in your life!