Bea Lewis

I just heard an interesting comment that can apply to us parents when we feel friction with our grown kids. REMEMBER: A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH A SMOOTH ONE.

I suggested to my friend Beverly that she focus on this comment when she shared an unpleasant conversation she had with her soon to- be- divorced daughter, Lisa. Beverly told me that when she told Lisa that she had sold her thirteen- year- old car, the young woman “blew a fuse.’’
“You promised me that car, mom, when you were ready to get rid of it, ‘’ said Lisa. “You know how much I need a car right now, but I can’t afford to buy one. How could you do this to me?”

My friend Beverly was stunned because she has no recollection of ever promising anything like that to her daughter. Furthermore, she said, “Not only did I need the cash from the sale of the car and couldn’t afford to just hand over the car to her, but I also would worry if something went wrong with the car.’’ Lisa ended the conversation with a cold, nasty tone, “Fine - I need to get off the phone.”

Beverly felt terrible and tried calling Lisa the next day – and the day after that – but Lisa didn’t respond to her calls. Obviously Lisa was terribly disappointed that she wouldn’t get Beverly’s old car. Obviously this was a case of miscommunication. Lisa expected Beverly to give her the car, but Beverly had made no such commitment. Issues like this happen all the time – they are innocent mistakes and apologies are not needed. So what to do now? Move on. Let it go. And while it may take time for Lisa to get over the fact that her expectations were not met, Beverly needs to remember that all relationships have their ups and downs, and she will feel better when she remembers that comment I heard not long ago: A good relationship is not synonymous with a smooth one.