Bea Lewis

Q: I thought I was a good parent, but when my 23-year-old son repeatedly tells me how I wasn’t – I don’t know how to respond. He says I never played ball with him, never paid him a compliment and never told him I loved him. My defense is that I was working hard – I am a surgeon and work many, many hours, often into the night. I bought him everything he could want – cars, summer vacations, etc., - and felt that was enough to show my love for him. I’d like him to get over his anger and not constantly dwell on the past, but I don’t even know where to begin such a conversation.

A: Good for you to realize that it takes two to tango and you’re willing to take the lead! It’s not an easy dance to learn, but certainly worth the effort.

Great advice for mending a difficult relationship comes for psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman in his book, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown child Don’t Get Along (Harper Collins)

Working hard for your family certainly qualifies as a good reason if you were less available to your son than he- or you - would have wanted, said Coleman. There is just so much time in a day. However, separate your natural desire to defend yourself and seize the opportunity to move the relationship forward. Consider some of Coleman’s suggestions.

Don’t Play Defense. You don’t have to explain why you didn’t do what your son wished you’d done. Saying that you did the best you could is something you tell yourself, not him.
Be empathetic. A caring dialogue could go something like this: “I’m glad you’re telling me this. It sounds like you feel really bad that I didn’t say I loved you or played ball with you. I wish I had spent more time doing that.’’

Hold Your Ground. Tell him you love him, but if he says you should have told him when he was young, simply say”You’re right. I wish I could do it all over again.’’

Walk in his shoes. Focus less on your need to boost your ego, and more on your son’s desire for closeness.

Express Your Pride. Tell him what you admire about him, especially his ability to be honest and to express his feelings to you.

Many parents are loath to talk about difficult relationships with their adult children, but to share your problems and gain insight from other parents in the same boat, check out Dr. Coleman’s website, www.whenparentshurt.com