Bea Lewis

I've learned a lot from writing hundreds of columns on parent/adult child relationships.

From the experts, I've learned and shared how to ease those intergenerational tensions we all feel at times. From you, the readers, I've learned how difficult it is to let our adult children live the life they want, not the one we think is best for them. And I've learned that it's pretty universal that our kids want our approval, but not our advice.

Along the way, I've heard tidbits of advice and suggestions that can help keep the murky waters of intergenerational relationships calm and peaceful.

Here are a few:

You can't change the situation; you can only change your perception. When Sandra and her husband learned that their son was gay, they were devastated. Rather than bemoan what they couldn't change, they decided instead to enjoy him for who he was, not for who they wished he would be. The result? They discovered a kind, bright and creative young man with a big heart.

Words hurt. Forget the old schoolyard ditty "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me." Unkind words or those said in anger hurt a lot. Once out of your mouth, you can't take them back, especially when said to a daughter-in-law, who will remember every syllable! When emotions get the best of you, take a deep breath and think before you say something you might regret.

Let go of controls. Although we put our hearts (and bank accounts) into our children, there comes a time we can no longer be responsible for their decisions. Unless it's a life-or-death situation, let adult children figure out their own mistakes; independence and experience breed confidence.

Cut yourself some slack. When your son or daughter complains of your shortcomings, don't play defense to his or her blame game. No parent is perfect. Adult children can either marinate in what was or write a positive script for what can be now.

Take a hint. Learn the signals they give that advice is not wanted. When their eyes roll up in their heads or they tell you they "gotta go" (their way to end a conversation) back off and move on. Sometimes all your son or daughter wants is a sensitive, caring listener. At times like that, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth!

Next week: Sharing more of what I've learned.

Original Article in the Palm Beach Post Living