Bea Lewis

Last week, I shared suggestions for keeping the murky waters of intergenerational relationships calm and peaceful; this week, I'm continuing that theme:

Celebrate your independence: The kids are grown and out of the house; it's time to work toward making a fulfilling life of your own. Don't rely on your children for your happiness. Socialize with friends; do volunteer work; take up a hobby.

Downsize expectations: This rule goes for both parents who want more from their children and children who want more from their parents. From time to time, reevaluate what's most important to you and what you're willing to let go. Unrealistic expectations lead only to disappointment.

When your children divorce: As painful as it might be for you, it's a time to be supportive of the grandchildren. Be a good listener when they want to express their feelings. Never badmouth either parent; stay neutral, like Switzerland. If children live far away, call or visit often. Let them know you're a steady anchor in their lives.

Know it's your child's turn to parent: It's tough to keep your mouth shut when your children aren't raising your grandchildren to your liking. The bottom line? You had your turn; now, it's theirs. Keep opinions to a minimum and be positive.

Distinguish helping from enabling: These two behaviors seem similar but are far from being close cousins. What's the difference? Helping is doing something for those who are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for those who can and should be doing for themselves. Think about that when your adult child racks up high credit-card debt! (It's his or her problem to solve.)

Use time as a healer: Seven months after his wife's death, Fred met a woman he planned to marry. His adult children were aghast, not understanding their aging dad's loneliness. They needed time to grieve the loss of their mother and to accept their dad's decision. Patience was Fred's greatest virtue as he gave his children time to do both. Although they were not head over heels about the new lady, they realized their dad was happy, and gave her the respect that Fred expected.

Keep visits short and sweet: Things can get sticky if you stay with your children and grandchildren too long. The secret to keeping the peace is the same as the key to preparing fresh fish - after three or four days, it's time to go!

Original Article in the Palm Beach Post Living