Bea Lewis

Every day offers an opportunity to learn something new. Sitting by the pool recently, chatting with mothers of grown kids, a discussion ensued about what  the ladies had learned in recent years to improve their relationship with their adult children, their kid's spouses - and other aliens. 

 Here are some of their suggestions: 

* Keep busy. Parents who have active, busy lives with people their own age, tend to rely less on their children for their socilization. This takes the stress off the children who feel responsible to make their parents happy.

* Stay Connected: Learn the new technology to stay in touch with your children and grandchildren. Today's young people do so with e-mail, text messaging and if you're lucky, on their cell phones. Best way to connect is by texting - it's easier than you think to learn this mysterious way of being connected. But if you learn to  talk THEIR talk - you will be in touch more often. Trust me on that! 

* Lower Your Expectations: Relationships with your children, as with any meaningful relationship, will ebb and flow over time. Some days are better than other, don't aim for perfection. If you can't get a ten, accept a decent two.

*Ask for forgiveness: No one is kind and loving and sweet and considerate all the time. If you did or said something that was insensitive or hurtful, acknowledge it and apologize. It might take time to be forgiven, so be patient. And on the other side of the coin, forgive readily.

*It's OK to be wrong. Acknowledge that your advice may not be what's wanted or needed. Go so far, no further. When you see their eyes roll up in their heads, or they say "gotta go'' ( the code for telling you they don't want to hear what you have to say) be prepared to back off and move on.

*Clarify Needs: Recognize the difference between YOUR need to be needed and your child's need for your help.