Bea Lewis

Q: Recently I called my 26-year-old daughter and suggested she take a raincoat to work (the weatherman where she lives predicted a rainstorm.) She got so huffy and practically slammed down the phone. I feel I always need to walk on eggshells even whenever I make a simple suggestion. What gives?

A: It wasn’t the loving advice you gave your daughter (take a raincoat) that set her into a tailspin, but what your daughter may have interpreted (she still thinks I am a five-year-old.) According to communications expert, Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of You’re Wearing That? Conversations Between Mothers and Daughters, “by implication, a suggestion is heard as a criticism. It implies that if you are telling your daughter to do something differently, then she must be doing something wrong. And mothers don’t realize how much their adult daughters want their approval.’’ Does this mean we can never say a word? Of course not, but when both mom and daughter acknowledge that caring and criticism are communicated by the same words – moms can be more cautious of their suggestions and daughters can remember that not all comments are meant as criticisms. The more we understand what we say – and what our daughters hear – the less we’ll need to walk on eggshells.