Bea Lewis

Q: I was taken aback recently when my son reminded me that when he was little, I never came to his baseball games, like the others mothers did. After all I did for him as a single mother working two jobs I wanted to tell him off, but I had to first cool down. What would have been a good response?

A: Ouch! It’s not untypical for young adults to blame their parents for what may have gone wrong in their lives, or what they feel they missed in childhood. Retired psychotherapist Ruth Kesslin understands that it’s tempting to get defensive; but what’s the point? She offers an explanation: “When adult kids say something about what their parents did – or didn’t do – it’s about them wanting to express what they feel, not about your parenting skills. A simple response to something that happened so long ago could be to merely validate your son’s feelings, to let him know you heard him and understand. A dialogue could go something like this: “I understand and would have loved to come to your games and I am sorry that I missed them. Boy, did I lose out.’’ This non-defensive retort can help your son to feel better and hopefully to let go and move on.