Bea Lewis

Q: My son married a woman from a very wealthy family that indulges our mutual grandchildren in ways I cannot. When they were little it wasn’t much of a problem. For our grandson’s third birthday party, for example, the other set of grandparents gave him a $300 teddy bear they purchased at FAO Schwartz. My husband and I brought him a toy truck that we got for free after filling up our car with a tankful of gas at a Hess service station. I’m happy to say that our gift was the toy he played with all day! But now that the grandkids are older, they know the difference between what they get from us and from what the other set of grandparents give them such as a trip to Disney World or tickets to see The Lion King. I worry they will grow to love the other grandparents more than me and my husband.    

A: it’s not unusual for grandparents to keep score – as to who sees the grandkids more often, who gives the more lavish gifts, etc. I shared your concerns with Boca Raton psychologist, Dr. Holly Katz. She agreed that the grandparents who treat the kids to an expensive trip or a Broadway show might be the more popular grandparent for the MOMENT, but not necessarily the favored one for the long haul. According to her, “Unconditional love is what makes for intergenerational closeness. It’s the time spent sharing your hobbies, stories of your life, games you teach and play with them, as well as books you share with them. People often forget that fancy toys and trendy gifts can break after a while and all too often kids can grow bored with them.’’