Bea Lewis

I think it's pretty safe to say that most mothers-in-law today were once somebody's daughters-in-law. So you would think that if you have a DIL today, you know what she might feel when she marries your son and comes into your family. 

If you were treated badly, you would do the opposite with the young woman; if you were treated well, you would repeat that behavior you experience when you got married. 

A well-dressed honey blonde haired woman, sitting in the front row at Majestic Isles Hadassah where I recently spoke told how she learned early on how to be a good mother-in-law to the wives of her three sons .

 I wasn't sure how to be with them, she said, but I knew exactly how NOT to be with them. 

The sixty-something woman then went on to tell the gorup a story about overhearing a conversation her husband's mother was having with a friend. 

Her mother-in-law's conversation went something like this, she said:  "I have three daughters-in-law - one is stupid, one is ugly, and the third is crazy as a bird.'' 

The women in the group were stunned at her comment. until she said, " "To this day, 35 years later, I still wonder which one of the three I am.''

The moral of her story, she continued, is that she was so wounded by that one comment so long ago that she made a vow only to say nice thnings about her  daughters-in-laws -  whenever and wherever she talks about them.   

In-laws, particularly mothers-in-law, I find, will often get their noses out of joint when their in-law children - particularly their daughters-in-law - don't give them the respect - or the honor - to call them MOM.

This topic came up recently at a talk I gave to the Lee Vassil Hadassah group in Lake Worth, Florida. 

"She calls me by my first name - Natalie - and I resent it,'' said the blonde-haired lady in the front row. "She should show me a little more respect,'' she said, referring to her daughter-in-law.

MMM, I thought - this is one angry lady. How do I answer - or even comment on her comment.

I didn't have to. Another woman, sitting in the back of the room, shot up her hand and responded. "You're making too many demands. What's the difference ? What's in a name?  Respect is how she treats you - not what she calls you.'' 

Others offered similiar comments. " If you get upset because she calls you by your first name and not MOM - count your blessings,'' said one woman. "She could call you something far worse  than calling you by your first name,'' said another. The group laughed.  Enough said. 

Of all the topics I talk, read, research or write about - getting along with a daughter-in-law is by far the most difficult - and most common. 

There are many reasons why there are many problems between the two women. One of course is that two women loving the same man is never easy. But a friend who gets along with her three daughters-in-law  gave me her secret - always remember that the BED IS THICKER THAN BLOOD!!!  Whenever this friend  feels antagonism toward one of the younger women - or feels she doesn't get the attention she wants and needs - she remembers that slogan.

Other friends - those who are the mothers of the sons- offer other tips to think better of the beauty. 

1. Daughters don't want our advice; they want our blessings.The same goes for our daughters -in-law. 

2.Never, ever complain to your son about his wife- if you haven't learned already - the first person he will tell what you said is YOU KNOW WHO! 

3. If you're having some issues with your daughter-in-law, tell her that everything she does is wonderful, and if it isn't, keep it to yourself. (You might want to invest in a mouth guard to keep your teeth from being tightly clenched .) 

4. No matter how joyful moms feel when their sons marry, there is often a feeling that his affection and attention to his wife is a sign of disloyalty  to her. Admit it or not, when jealousy rears its ugly head, it's painful. What to do? Acknowledge those feelings of loss and separation. Allow yourself to feel sad, then turn over the glass and focus on good things - like the pride you have as a parent who brought your son to this adult place in his life - and to think of the future when SHE  will give you a grandchild! . 

At a talk I gave on September 20 to a  chapter of the Brandeis University National Women's Committee (BUNWC) in Delray Beach, Florida, a woman got up to ask why there weren't dresses ever advertised for the Mother of the Groom. She continued to say that when her son got married - and she went looking for a dress to  wear to the wedding - there were plenty of dresses earmarked for ' the mother of the bride' - but nothing for the mother of the groom.   

Her friend continued the conversation and said "that's because we are second class citizens.'' A chorus of other women agreed. 

A woman sitting in the front row at the meeting at Temple Sinai said that she was told by her soon- to- be- daughter-in-law ( and the girls' mother ) what type of dress to buy ( in this case it was a gown) and what color the dress should be   ( in this case it was a putrid purple) As the woman spoke I could see the anger clearly expressed on her face. (In fact you could say I saw steam coming out of her nostrils) She was so angry. She almost felt abused, she said. But she followed the guidelines set forth for the wedding, as she put it, of the century, and didn't make any waves. But she seethed a lot, she said. That was a good ten years ago - "the kids are still married-Thank heavens- but she still resents her daughter in law for the demands made on her.  

Weddings are for  the bride - she waits a lifetime to have her day in the sun - to be the shining star. I remember when my three daughters were little girls they would take a lace tablecloth I had (purchased on sale from Fortunoff's) and take turns being the bride. One always played the role of  maid of honor - and one had to be the groom ( for this they would take one of my husband's ties)  There were never any mothers of the bride or mother's of the groom - maybe that's how it should be - just two people who are in love getting married.  The only item of clothing that was imperative was that lace tablecloth which they wrapped around themselves. Anyone else who was playing with them could wear whatever they wanted. They were smart, those little girls. Only the bride wore something special - what anyone else wore simply didn't matter. Not one single bit. Not even a putrid purple gown.