Bea Lewis

 At a meeting of the Shaarei Shalom synagogue sisterhood in Boynton Beach, FL.,  where I gave a talk, one red-headed mother gave advice on how she gets along with her grown children.  

"I don't subscribe to the adage of keeping your mouth shut and your pocketbook open,'' she said, referring to the age- old suggestion passed around by women of our generation. 

I've lived a long time and have a lot to offer, but it's how, and when I say  something that can be a deal breaker, she said. .

This mom offered her  formula that has done well for her for many years. That is, when any of her sons or daughters or their spouses tell her something which she thinks they should do differently, ( like buy a new house in this depressed market, but not  purchase that fancy car of their dreams) she stops and thinks what to say - before she says anything. .

Usually her instinct is to tell them what she thinks they should do(( like buy the house, not the fancy car)  but from past experience she knows they don't want to hear her suggestion when offered without them asking. 

So her game plan, she said,  is to listen, reallly listen ( that means not saying a single word) and when they are finished talking, she asks if they want her advice or are they just venting.  It's a magical solution, she said. "They know they can talk about anything to me,  which makes me feel close to them, but I won't say a word unless they want me too."

The upshot, she continued, is that they have learned to trust her and do ask her opinion quite often. She always ends her conversation with "You know, this is only one man's opinion, check out all the other ways to get information before you make a decision.''  Smart lady, I think.  Her way is not the only way, of course, but it's not always easy to just listen, but then again, if we do, maybe our grown kids will tell us a lot more. 

Without a doubt - one of the most common questions asked wherever and whenever I  speak to groups is why our children or grandchildren don't bother to acknowedge a gift we send them, and if it's a gift of money, they have no problem to cash that check the minute it comes in the mail.  So frustrating. So hurtful. One woman laments that it really bothers her that she goes out of her way to give, but never  to receive.

 Another wonders if she should stop sending them gifts. I wondered, too. But here are a few creative and clever ways grandparents dealt with the issue.

 1. A Boca Raton grandfather, tired of not getting a thank you- sent  half a check to his grandson with a note saying that he would send him a whole check when he received a thank you note. He never had a problem again. The family joke became""What do you want for your birthday? A half or a whole.?"

2. A Lake Worth grandmother sent a package to her grandson and included a thank you note and a stamped, self addressed envelope so all the grandson had to do was sign it and drop it in the mail,. Couldn't  be easer, right? Wrong! Even then, she said, she didn't get a response!

3.  A West Palm Beach mother sent a birthday card to her son and said to buy something special with the enclosed check. But she never enclosed a check. She got an immediate response! 

Bottom line: It's not worth getting so up tight about nor getting your nose out of joint. if your kids don't send you a thank you note. (Text messaging  and e-mail are quite acceptable) l 

Tell your kids how you feel and that you really don't want to send them any more gifts if they don't respond to you. See what happens.  Or maybe  you can come up with your own creative, clever way of getting a response. We'd love to share it with others.  

It wasn't unusual for parents in earlier generations to panic when their daughters weren't married by their early 20s.

My father, for example, was in a perpetual sweat until I tied the knot at age 24!

Times have certainly changed.

Women today remain single well into their 30s, even early 40s. They are more independent than women of my generation were at their age.

In my day, most women went straight from their parents' home to live with their husband.

Today's young women, with advanced education and budding careers, are able to live on their own without a husband to provide for them.

But that doesn't stop today's parents from putting pressure on their single daughters to marry, which of course bugs the daughters - especially when they might be quite content with their single lifestyle.

That was the case with Amy, a carefree 35-year-old woman with a good job. She was planning to attend a family get-together and e-mailed to ask how to get her relatives to stop pestering her with queries about her love life. (So, are you dating anyone? My friend's brother is a good catch; wouldn't you like to meet him?)

The pressure would be compounded, she said, because her married siblings would be there with their babies, as would her cousins. She didn't want to face a rerun from previous family parties when family members offered unasked-for advice about her unmarried status.

"They don't want to hear that I am happy with my career and that I have a great circle of friends! The truth is I would like to get married and have a family someday, but just not right now. I wish they'd leave me alone,'' she said, "but how can I shut them up without being rude?''

It's typical, I told her, for family members to want to play matchmaker. After all, doesn't the winner get to sit at the bride's table? I would guess Amy's family wants to see her happy - according to their way of life.

Don't take their nudging too seriously, I told her. One way to take the focus off their annoying Cupid-playing tactics is to go prepared to ask the relatives lots of questions about their lives, their children, their hobbies, their jobs, etc. Most folks would like nothing better than to talk about themselves, especially to someone who is a good listener.

Original Article in the Palm Beach Post Living