Bea Lewis

 At a meeting of the Shaarei Shalom synagogue sisterhood in Boynton Beach, FL.,  where I gave a talk, one red-headed mother gave advice on how she gets along with her grown children.  

"I don't subscribe to the adage of keeping your mouth shut and your pocketbook open,'' she said, referring to the age- old suggestion passed around by women of our generation. 

I've lived a long time and have a lot to offer, but it's how, and when I say  something that can be a deal breaker, she said. .

This mom offered her  formula that has done well for her for many years. That is, when any of her sons or daughters or their spouses tell her something which she thinks they should do differently, ( like buy a new house in this depressed market, but not  purchase that fancy car of their dreams) she stops and thinks what to say - before she says anything. .

Usually her instinct is to tell them what she thinks they should do(( like buy the house, not the fancy car)  but from past experience she knows they don't want to hear her suggestion when offered without them asking. 

So her game plan, she said,  is to listen, reallly listen ( that means not saying a single word) and when they are finished talking, she asks if they want her advice or are they just venting.  It's a magical solution, she said. "They know they can talk about anything to me,  which makes me feel close to them, but I won't say a word unless they want me too."

The upshot, she continued, is that they have learned to trust her and do ask her opinion quite often. She always ends her conversation with "You know, this is only one man's opinion, check out all the other ways to get information before you make a decision.''  Smart lady, I think.  Her way is not the only way, of course, but it's not always easy to just listen, but then again, if we do, maybe our grown kids will tell us a lot more.