Bea Lewis

At a talk I gave to the Womens' Club at the Viscaya community in Delray Beach, Florida, a grandmother of seven told how she learned how to make a suggestion to a daughter so she will hear her, and not get so defensive. "I  realized  that there's a difference between what I say, and what she may hear.''   

Here's her scenario: "Swine flu was going around. My seven- year -old granddaughter is a sickly child. I told my daughter that a tv report said that suspectible children should get a flu shot.  My daughter seemed irritated at first by my suggestion.  I coulnd't sleep because I was so worried, but I knew she had set up a boundary of what I could - or could not- tell her .''

Days later, the woman said, her daughter called to say she checked with the pediatrician and he agreed that the grandmother was right.  (She even thanked her for the suggestion) 

So what's the difference between telling your daughter what to do - and making a suggestion?

Simple: The grandmother said it once, gave her reason and then signed off.  She said what she needed to say, but then gave her daughter the respect she deserved as the mother of the child. 

When you make a suggestion -  - in a calm and gentle way - you allow the other person to consider what you say and maybe even to follow the advice you offered.  

Telling is different -it implies that you don't trust the other person's judgement to make a wise decision ( in this case with the daughter) and your the need to say something over and over again ( called nudging) 

"Because I spoke to my daughter as if she was a good friend, not a child, the woman said, "She was able to hear my suggestion and show respect to my advice. It was a win -win situation because,'' she said,  ''respect is a two way street.''